So sitting alone in my fucking shitty apartment, staring at my table where some of my shit should be had I not needed to sell it to make ends meet (after being screwed over by my former roommate, as well as a dead beat client).
No girlfriend at present, and most likely to spend the holidays killing cancers, while re-watching "The Ice Harvest" (awesome christmas film by the way), I started to contemplate how I ended up in such a pathetic state...
The no girlfriend thing is easy to answer, I live in a small city that very much like a hooker, it's meretricious in it's beauty but ultimately soulless. There are few people like me here, and there sure as shit aren't any women interested in me who aren't either sycophantic, insane, or "cougars". There is no solution to this problem unless I want to bite the bullet and turn into something I'm not, and despise (there aren't too many women my age looking to seriously go steady in the first place).
Now I've been working the web game for several years and without a doubt it can be awesome, however since I've arrived here things have been shit, and have only marginally have been getting better. Again I assume it's because I live in such a small city, that people generally prefer to go to the brick and mortar places and pay obscene amounts for work I could do better and cheaper. Most of my client's come to me only after they've been screwed over by these "firms". So I'm constantly broke which again contributes to my lack of social life.
Making friends here is difficult, since most people just play videogames all day, and spent the nights getting shitfaced, two things I'm not all that into. I used to think I had shitty social skills, but after a while it occurred to me I was pretty well liked in Manitoba, Ontario, and New York too, so again I assume it's the lame ass city I live in. Further supporting this theory is the friends I have made here aren't actually from this province.
Maybe I've just had it with the people here, I lent my former roommate money I desperately could have used so he could go out and buy groceries and get to work and shit (dudes was like almost 40). And of course he takes off and steals not only my money, but attempts to steal my landlords car as well, fucking over the whole household. Maybe it was a bad move on my part, but I generally prefer to see the good in people since back when I was sixteen some strangers helped give me my start.
Despite all this that isn't the reason I've contemplated blowing my brains out, nope I'm not even depressed, hell I'm feeling fine most of the time (I've grown resilient to most bullshit). No sir I want to blow my fucking head off only when I hear other people bitch about how "shitty" their lives are, I probably shouldn't take notice but man it's ridiculous how good most people have it. Fuck my situation isn't even that bad, and when I think about what I'm writing I want to kick my own ass and say grow up Celx you fucking pussy faggot.
Generally the thing we tend to forget, is we have the power to change our lives, make things better for ourselves. Is it hard? Sometimes, but complaining accomplishes nothing, and blaming others accomplishes even less.
90% of the shit I'm in is due to my own mistakes, although at times I want to curl up into a fetal position as say "fuck it I'm done", I always gotten up and tried to learn from my mistakes.
Why is it in our society we've been condoning the concept of blaming others, for our mistakes?
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/
527091
What happened to the reap what you sow concept, and taking personal responsibility for one's actions?
Even now there are people bent out of shape over the holidays, spending money on shit the don't need, then complaining later about how they're in debt because of "credit card companies".
Don't get me wrong if you have the money, and want to buy someone something it's a nice gesture.
However you don't need to spend money on gifts for people, if they give two shits and a half about you they will be happy just to have your company. Weren't the holidays about spending time with people you care about anyway?
So to be laconic, and put this in a terse sentence, the point of this obscene tangent is to say things get better if you're willing to work to make them better. A message of pragmatic hope wrapped in pessimism for the human condition, minced with salacious language, the perfect holiday message!
Anyway, this year really hasn't been all bad for me.
My web clients have been getting bigger, and more fun.
I recently finished a website for Katherine Brodsky (She writes for film section in the Toronto Star).
And also working on Lake Cop was really cool/fun.
Winning daily second, critics pick, and being featured in the treasure hunt for Cooljaw was nice.
And at least I've only got a few months before my lawyer says the royalties from a program I helped design will be released to me, which will in effect kill my financial problems.
Lastly here are the projects I'm going to be working on in the new year:
The Sugar Claws (20% done):
I won't say much about this project other than it's going to take place in the same universe as "Cooljaw", and "Shark", but it's going to feature a completely different story, and cast of characters, as well as a different art style. The main protagonist is a fifteen your old girl, and the story is perhaps the most disturbing thing I've written.
Shark Black: Shattered Guns (40% done):
The follow up the "Shark Black: Snowblind", it pretty much picks up where the last one let off, and is more action oriented while giving more clues about the story.
Spook (10% Done):
A story that deals with people dying in horrible ways, as an salient figure offers people new hope to start their lives over in exchange for ending the lives of others.
Slipping Into Dark Dreams (20% Done):
A videogame I've been piecing together, I promise once it's done it'll be like nothing you've ever played before on the portal, and possibly ever!
That's it enjoy a preview of THE SUGAR CLAWS (better view here)!
Happy holidays, and may you kith and kin be filled with the spirit of the holidays, or at least you're semen!
- Celx
P.S. those of you who reviewed my tank half full submission will be receiving the swf with special previews soon!
