My vices are also my virtues...

Celx Requin @Celx-Requin

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Pulsating vaginal intercourse, & why other people get laid & you don't + A twisted transparency update...

Posted by Celx-Requin - August 7th, 2012

Pulsating Vaginal Intercourse:

Since reclaiming my "resources" after several years of struggling just to make ends meet, I've come to some realizations about society and living in general, specifically in the realm of getting pussy.

First off there are winners and losers, and it's better to be a part of the former than the latter, not everybody is special and we need to stop pretending that's the case; generally if you're an artist you're gonna join the ranks of societies "losers".

These are the five things that define what a loser is in order of their significance in hindering you on you're quest for tits and ass.

1). Income.
2). Weight.
3). Personality.
4). Influence.
5). Location

Below I will act as a self appointed counsellor on these matters despite the fact I shouldn't be saying fuck all. However given that I'm sitting on sexy $500 tufted leather next to a $1500 mahogany desk, with a woodblock print of a octopus preforming cunnilingus in the quadruple digits framed behind me, along with the phone numbers of the foxy smart women I know on my swanky new smart phone, which I comfortably keep in my salient $3000 bespoke suit; I feel inclined to bestow what little advice I can on the nature of getting laid.


Frankly given the obscene amount of people looking to enter the artistic field, chances are slim one with a mediocre skill set is going to be able to find employment. It doesn't really matter if you have a university level education or not, the field is already saturated with too many talented people vying for the same position, what really matters is talent and skill; and most art students I've seen are horrible (I've been beefing up my cache of graphic designers for private projects after making some fuck you money).

There is something unethical about these cash strapped universities/colleges taking in people with no talent for their art programs when most of these kids aren't up to snuff, and more to the point the jobs in the arts field in relation to the "entertainment" sector are getting raped (I.E. film production).

I worked for an extremely salacious softcore porn company in my youth, I have a client who writes for the Toronto Star, and a pal who works at Disney, plus some friends in the union and spoke clubs; from speaking with these individuals let me tell you the outlook for getting a good paying job in this society where unapologetic piracy is rampant, and viscous competition is getting more aggressive is slim unless you're some sort of prodigy (or have an in with someone with a bit of power).

So chances are if you're an artist person, you're not going to be gainfully employed, if you're lucky to be employed at all, which means chances are you aren't going to get laid often, and honestly will never be able to maintain a stable relationship.

This of course doesn't apply to women, cause guys will always be willing to fuck a girl regardless of her future prospects as long as she does not have a fetus protruding from her face, and isn't a fatty patty. We men have low fucking standards, women on the other hand do not...

I hated my biological father, he was a deadbeat, but I do remember riding with him in his Jaguar, during these times he would bestow fatherly advice, two sayings in particular about women stand out in vividly in my mind.

1). A good woman will love a poor man, any woman will love a rich man, and no woman will love a broke man.

2). Women say men only want one thing, women on the other hand want everything.

Afterwards he would roll down the car windows, and tell my younger sibling and I to point and laugh at any obese person who was unfortunate enough to cross my fathers vehicle of humiliation, he would also honk and pretend to swerve into cyclists but that's another story altogether.

Anyway back to my point, if you're broke chances are you're not going to get laid, I mean think about it, why would anyone worth dating ever be caught with someone with a shitty income?

One could make an argument that at if least you're good looking, funny, smart, and nice a women will see through you're broke ass brokeness and fall in love regardless, that however will never be the case dear reader.

A girl may end up hanging out with you, however the reason she's doing so isn't because you're a nice guy and she want's to take you're man milk into her larva sack, naw brother she wants a doormat, and if you're broke that's all you'll ever be; unless you're willing to settle for some John Merrick looking sow.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with dating a woman resembles a skesis, I am saying that if you're a cunt like me that won't do, and any self respecting man who isn't hiding under the ostentation of finding the "one" who will accept them for who they are and expects "the one" to look pretty; is going to need to work on getting themselves to the same level of the kind of chick they want to have a relationship with. And the most important part of that puzzle is income.


Being fat is absolutely repugnant, it's revolting to see someone who doesn't care enough about themselves to keep a stable weight, it's a sign of poor health, it's a "I don't give a fuck attitude"...

However it doesn't leave the same sexy impression as smokers invoke with their "I'm going to die anyway so I don't give a fuck" attitude, it's more like "I've completely given up on life to the point where I'm having trouble moving, but that's ok because going outside is scary, and I'd rather eat Doritos while jerking off to sailor moon".

Now if you're a plutocrat, then it doesn't matter how fat you are, women like everyone else are sycophants attracted to power, so this is a sort of tier I created for acceptable fatness in relation to wealth for the purposes of attracting a "decent" women.

Tier one| not fat: $20000-$30000 per year after taxes.
Tier two| lumpy: $40000 per year after taxes.
Tier three| frumpy: $50000 per year after taxes.
Tier four| fat: $60000 per year after taxes.
Tier five| morbidly obese: $70000-$100000 per year after taxes (depending on girth).

So as you can see while being fat is a deterrent for most women, you can still land a foxy babe regardless in accordance to you're income.

Pragmatically speaking though being fat isn't sexy unless you live in a war torn country were food is scarce, and people would be willing to kill one another for a can of cat giblets, in these circumstances being fat may be a sign of status!

I'll put it like this smoking is considered unsexy because it's unhealthy, people have been too politically correct with the fatties out there, being fat is unsexy for the same reason, is there anything more depressing than someone who doesn't respect themselves?


The capital sin of any relationship is being boring.

Laughter is the universal language sparked from the unexpected, it doesn't matter how it's obtained, if you fancy you're self a physical comedian use that, I'm more of an insult comic, generally taking shots at everyone including myself; Christopher Hitchens once said something to the tune of "humour is the great equalizer, if a man is broke or ugly, he better at least be able to make a woman laugh".

Learn about shit, go to movies, volunteer, travel, exercise, study the history of the place you live, be outgoing; no one wants to hang out with a corpse, you're alive so live a little.

Personality is a abstract issue, so it's impossible to say exactly what will get you where, other than don't be boring,
treat people with respect, but don't be a push over either, form you're own opinions on shit and defend them if you need to but try to be diplomatic and listen.


Getting people to respect you is tough because as the saying goes "everyone is out to fuck you, some are just nice enough to use lubricant", this is a rule everyone knows about, "the selfish gene" as Richard Dawkins would call it.

I have friends I love, but not for a second do I think they would hang out with me if I couldn't offer them something, I'm not talking about material things, but companionship intrinsic to the basis of any friendship.

Sometimes however it's better to cut friends loose, or at least mitigate who interacts with who, because you will be judged by the company you keep. I like to think I run in all sorts of circles, but a classy babe probably won't feel comfortable hanging out with an ex con, just like a clubber wouldn't feel at place hanging out at a D&D convention. Why introduce people to one another if they aren't of the same ilk, and aren't gonna get along?

There is something sexy about being well liked, Machiavelli knew this and in his masterpiece "The Prince" he said "the paradox of power is it needs to be given". Try to get along with everyone, but if you do need to get into a beef with someone, make sure to get everyone feeling the same way you do before you do anything brash.

Volunteer, donate, be nice to people, so when you're partner is talking to someone at a party while you're taking another shot of whatever poison it is you like to indulge in, that person they're taking to will say "yeah that guy is pretty cool".

If people think you're a callous cunt, that reputation could turn cancerous and spread into your relationships.


On rare occasion, one may not be to blame for their lack of luck, perhaps the individual in question is too cultured for the backwards reptilian spawn which inhibits their area, so if you live in a town similar to the one depicted in that movie deliverance, move somewhere better...

In conclusion/the spin:

People want to be with winners, and the above will help you achieve that, you don't need to have an education to be successful, I keep company with high school dropout's who've done astonishingly well, you don't need to be born into money to succeed either; if you have the motivation to do something you can cut a good life for yourself if you save and keep working hard.

Spin things in you're favour, I mean I won the critics pick for "Cooljaw:Dreaming Darkly", it's a pretty useless award in the grand scheme of things, but when I talk about it I'm all like "I got the critics pick award for my story against like 1000 people including the playboy animator", and people are all like woah that's kind of cool.

I volunteer at the salvation army, realistically I don't do it that often (once a month), but the fact that I do it at all makes people be like "hey that Celx cocksucker is a pretty decent bloke".

Stop being losers and get laid, FUCK!
- Celx Requin

A Twisted Transparency:

It's coming along slowly but surely, I'm still not sure how I'm going to release it given that the fucking prologue is already close to 20mb's

I'm thinking about just releasing them as sessions, with a bunch of special features but I don't know...
We'll see, we'll see, expect a trailer for the holiday season!

And check out the swanky poster for the film here!

Pulsating vaginal intercourse, & why other people get laid & you don't + A twisted transparency update...


hmm very intresting my friend though it wont help me much but it may help other though if you ask me love is a fast dieing concept in this day and age and the women in it only want money and useless items but this is my opion.

Love is indeed dying the divorce rate is through the roof, which is why I say your true love will be the gal who's willing to sign a prenuptial agreement.

- Celx

"There is something unethical about these cash strapped universities/colleges taking in people with no talent for their art programs when most of these kids aren't up to snuff,"

Unethical isn't the best word choice...

1. Yes, normally people who go to school will not have occupational-level "talent" and hence why they go to school to acquire the necessary skills.

2. Of course you cannot really teach creativity. A college education also doesn't guarantee a career in that respective field- not just fine arts degrees, but practically any field that isn't engineering or medical related. If you go to school to study music composition for example, a degree/certificate in such is particularly worthless as your resume and work "will speak for itself" once presented to future employers. Otherwise, those who can't, teach. There will always be artistic jobs available in education fields.

3. God forbid a student goes to school to *learn* (albeit a very expensive way). Like I said above, unless you are going to be an engineer/medical professional/teacher then it is quite likely your degree path will not be relevant to the actual career you have in life.

I know, I'm kinda going of tangent given the subject at hand (positioning yourself to get laid) but I thought I'd throw that out there.

otherwise, well written article, i enjoyed reading it. I'll have to keep that all in mind, especially your biological dads advice. and i jerk off to dragon ball z porn, not sailor moon, thank you very much...


1). Fair enough, except a university/college is supposed to have some standards, and from my perspective that's not happening.

2). True enough, although sad considering the crappiest at art who couldn't get a job in their preffered field will end up teaching a new generation.

3). I have nothing against people going to school to learn, that's all fine and dandy, I have a problem when these same people end up leeching of welfare, because they chose to get into a worthless field.

Anyway thanks a bunch for your thoughts!
- Celx

so this like a joke thing or what?

You'll never get laid with that attitude!

It's a bit cynical and self fulfilling.


There are two types of people in each gender, alphas and betas. This has been, and always will be true. I agree with nearly everything in this post. What I liked most about it is how you actually ignored physical attractiveness being a key to obtaining a woman. This is true. Money, personality, and influence are the holy trinity, and though they can be balanced in any way necessary, the least important thing to a woman is your physical attractiveness. Look at the guy who plays Edward in Twilight, his face is RIDICULOUSLY asymmetrical and yet there are droves of girls who would play a concerto on his skin flute. Why? Because of his influence mostly. The hint of money is there, of course, but it is very much his influence that drives women wild. He is, after all, a movie star *swoon*.